weighing importance

sometimes i wonder what it is in my day to day life that i value. what has weighing importance? why do i do what i don't want to do and don't do what i do want to do? it is like that verse in romans really is my life. i am pretty sure that many people could say that, ultimately, but for real, what parts and moments of life really matter? i am all about making memories, having good times, laughing lots, loving much, experiencing new things, meeting new people, and embracing life and all it has to offer.
but what does life have to offer? what does the world encourage us to embrce? why do people live such empty lives? how is it that the world does such a good job of blinding people? love has lost meaning, christianity has lost credibility, laughter has lost vibrency, words have lost their depth. so many people strive to be unattainable versions of themselves; becoming fake, each life becoming a vacuum of emptiness, a void to be filled with meaningless things.
it is sad really. i watch so many people, week after week, get so drunk they can't stand, and are so smashed they make complete fools of themselves. i see people throw themselves at one person after the next, in an attempt to feel loved and valued, only to feel more and more empty and worthless. i look at magazines loudly proclaiming that we should look and be a certain way, offering ways to "be the real you", but successfully smothering individuality and personal appreciation, creating a plethora of fake, dyed, pinned, tucked, "beauitful" people.
i desire more. i want my life to resonate with truth and value. i long for a life of substance and depth. i want to be genuine and honest, following something worth following, searching and questioning, seeking and exploring, embracing and actually living. no more of this emptiness. no more jumping on the band wagon because it is easier than walking and i am lazy. having a life worth living may not be simple or straight forward, cut and paste or black and white, but at the end of the day i like to think it is worth the extra effort.

God vs. patti. fight!

it has been a long while since i posted. i guess that's what happens when life gets busy and one is trying to get rooted and settled in a new place. all of that is going well for me at this point. i am very happily living in saskatoon, loving my job and the people i work with, deciding it is time to get hobbies and explore more.
in my hobby finding, world exploring state, i thought boys could be a good subject. apparently not. well, they might be. maybe they are one of those subjects best watched and studied at a safe distance, kind of like those animals at the zoo that you are supposed to look at and not touch or feed... boys, like those animals, tend to bite. in my experience anyways. i have learned once again, through the "test and fail" principle, that getting even remotely attached is painful like a band aid when ripped off.
now as i sit here somewhat bitter, confused, and over thinking the situation like a typical girl, i can see God in it. and as i see Him in it, i dislike Him. i am faced with the fact that once again He is right and i am not. i am tired of feeling like every situation in my life is a time for "growth" and "stretching", a chance for God to talk in circles around me or provide one more metaphor. even as i was trying to avoid and ignore the obvious facts and ultimate answers, i could not, and they were forced back into my reality by the one i was ignoring them for.
serves me right i guess. time to admit defeat and give in once again to God, who is ultimately better to follow anyways. i am stubborn and hate losing in this battle that only really exists in my head. God has my best in mind. His timing will always prove to be better. i am selfish, impatient, and blinded by my own desires, and in this figure it fair to blame God when things don't go my way. huh, maybe it is time to grow up.

big decision

today i made a big decision. it was very hard. i do not easily admit defeat. i do not easily give up. i hate thinking that i have failed. today i retracted my application for the job as girl's dorm parent for the fall. it was received well, a sign of character i was told. i realized that i am tired, burnt out, overwhelmed, and mostly not ready to be a "mom" figure to 50 high school girls. i find myself feeling less than excited, even bitter at times, to perform the basic parts of my job. i find myself longing to be 22, living with friends, having fun, schooling, whatever. i feel that if i came back in the fall, i would do the year, and i would do it well. i would then, most likely, end up feeling bitter towards this type of ministry, and i would leave it. i am thinking that this way, i will take a year or 2 or 3 off, have fun, learn, grow, be myself, experience life. in God's time, i will return to full time ministry, maybe even here. i will be able to more fully embrace it and feel excited about it, ready to go all the way. i know that i will be in ministry every day, wherever i am, and i know that God will use me. i am excited to see what adventures God has in store, even though this freedom does feel somewhat like i am free falling into an abyss at this moment.

the end, the beginning, the in between

today marks the end of the school year for some of the students. i have just signed off on a number of rooms, stating that they are clean and good to be left for the summer. i have said good bye to a few, and more good byes await. between now and wednesday the kids will slowly trickle away as they finish exams. the dorms will become empty, the school quiet, the court yard still. i don't think i have yet grasped that this year is over. i don't understand where the time has gone, when the jokes became memories, when the present became the past.
now i am entering a transition of sorts. i have known it to be coming for some time, but have been avoiding. i am going from the me i was to the me i will be. i will have a summer with some time to play, but also time to grow, to learn new responsibilities. this is the in between, the time when i am no longer a teen leader, but an adult, a decision maker, a go-to, a mediator. when did this all come to be? i don't know that i feel ready, but God has brought me to this place, and He will lead me through it. He will bring me through strong and new, ready to face whatever comes. this whole being an adult, making decisions for others, being a disciplinary figure, having real responsibilities with weight that effects others, as well as myself, is all somewhat uncomfortable and scary. i am not sure if i am too tired to care, or just feeling overwhelmed by the wholeness of it. this is the place where the burn out and the overwhelmed feelings collide. this is the time when i retreat, unsure of where to begin, with the procrastination only building more tension and stress. as i watch the list of things to be done get bigger, i realize that only by beginning will an end be found. only by starting will i find God's peace and rest, as well as the strength to keep on to the end.

application process

the key word here is process. process often implies that there is an amount of time involved. time often means waiting. waiting requires patience, prayer and seeking God. i am in process. i am waiting. i am at a crossroads with a decision to be made. i am seeking God for His leading in this decision.
the year here is coming to an end surprisingly quickly. grad weekend has come and gone with a whoosh. finals will be here in about 6 weeks. the weather is changing, people are getting restless and new beginnings, for summer and fall, are being decided upon.
the end of the year sometimes brings an end to a person's call to this particular ministry. this is the case with one of the girls' dorm parents here this year. with her feeling lead to leave, there is a position open for the fall. i have decided to apply for this position. i have been praying much in the last months about whether God wants me to continue here or not. it is my prayer at this time that His answer become apparent in the outcome of this application process. i ask that you would join me in praying that God would lead and that i would feel peace about the outcome either way, knowing that God's ways are higher than my ways, His plans better than my own.

employed

i work at lcbi. as of may 1st, 2008, i am a hired, paid staff member of lcbi. i will be a dorm parent/big sister person, as i have been through my internship, until the end of june. then i will change roles and be the driver/chaperon person for their summer tour team. this is kinda of exciting. it was a big day when i got to sign a contract and know that i would actually get a pay check etc. i now have my first ever "real" job... even if it is only for 4 months.

trust

i have been thinking this morning about trust. have you ever noticed how so many people are scared to trust? we don't want to trust others. they may hurt us, disappoint us, let us down. we don't trust ourselves for the same reasons. why is it so hard to trust God? he has never disappointed. he has never let us down. he has never left us high and dry to provide for ourselves. in fact, he promises that he will never leave or forsake us. he has told us that he knows the plans he has for us, to prosper us and not to harm us. plans to give us hope and a future. why is that so hard to believe? why do we not trust the one person who is most deserving of all of our trust? even in our fear, we give in. we give ourselves away to mere humans who, ultimately, will do all of the things that we fear. but this most loving and gracious God, who has done nothing but provide and care and love and bless us abundantly with grace, we do not trust. it makes no sense.
i know that i don't trust God as i should. i find myself thinking that my plans, my timing, my desires are better. i get this great idea to do my own thing, just to end up feeling lost and confused. maybe it is time to give up and give in. maybe it is time to trust God, who desires with all of his heart to lead and guide, plan and provide and bless abundantly. i've heard he can only do as much as we allow, so maybe it is time to surrender it all. maybe it's time to leap, fully trusting that i will be caught by outstretched arms.